"Shouldn't I just be over this by now?"

It's a question many of us ask ourselves after a breakup when it feels like the pain won't end. We think that with enough time, we'll heal on our own because, really, what choice do we have? Life moves forward whether we're ready or not.

But when we don't know how to move on or we compare ourselves to others who have managed to move on (especially our ex) and feel like we aren't 'getting over it', it becomes another reason to double down on a belief that there is really something wrong with us.

But here’s something we don’t often discuss: breakups can be profoundly traumatic experiences that go far beyond just feeling sad or lonely.

When a relationship ends, it’s not just the loss of a partner that hurts. The emotional impact can stir up deep-seated wounds from our past, reigniting pain we may not even realize we've been carrying.

Trauma isn’t just about the event itself. It's about what happens inside of you as a result. A breakup can trigger a flood of emotions, especially those tied to feelings of inadequacy or rejection.

Think about it: there’s no worse trigger for our universal fear of not being good enough than losing the affections of someone we hold in high esteem. This is why breakups can feel so excruciating, and why the pain can linger long after the relationship ends.

Yet, despite this, many of us push through on our own. We adopt a “suck it up and carry on” mentality, thinking that we're being strong, when in reality, we're often just avoiding the pain.

We might find ways to distract, ignore, or buffer from our emotions. We dive into work, immerse ourselves in hobbies, or scroll endlessly through social media, all in an attempt to avoid feeling what we’re really going through.

And if your distraction of choice has harmful side effects —substance abuse, reckless hook-ups or overindulgence of unhealthy habits— the consequences can be worse than simply missing out on a golden opportunity for profound personal healing.

While healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms might help in the short term, they often leave us stuck in survival mode, missing out on the opportunity to truly heal. When we don't put attention on letting an emotional wound heal over, it will resurface in our pain, behaviours and outcomes everytime someone pokes at it in the future.

Our painful experience serves a purpose, but we need to be brave enough to look at it and do the work to close the wound. There will always be a scar, but poking at it will not have the same effect.

This is where professional support can make a world of difference.

A trauma-informed therapist or coach can help you navigate the complex emotions that arise, guiding you through the healing process in a way that allows you to grow and evolve, rather than just survive and get through it.

Collectively, we hold a misguided narrative about what it means to be strong in the face of pain. It's weak to seek help or support. It's weak to take time. It's weak to modify external circumstances for a while to give yourself space for emotional healing.

But this couldn't be farther from true.

As a matter of fact, it's very brave and takes incredible strength to do the work of looking at the deeper roots of your suffering. It requires recognizing that this is a pivotal moment in your life—one that offers a unique opportunity for growth and self-discovery.

With the right support, you can use this painful experience as a catalyst for positive change.

Working with a professional allows you to face the pain head-on, rather than burying it. It gives you the tools to understand and process your emotions and learn valuable lessons about yourself.

This kind of deep inner work ensures that when you’re ready to trust and connect with someone new, you do so from a place of groundedness and authenticity. You learn from your breakup and evolve the version of you who will enter into a new relationship if you decide you want one.

The aftermath of a breakup is a crucial time for self-care and self-reflection. Yes, you could get over it on your own, but why settle for just getting by when you could emerge stronger, wiser and more self-aware?